In Katie Hood’s Ted talk, she talks about the difference between healthy and unhealthy love. I wanted to share some of my own personal insights into what she shared with her audience.
1. Intensity
It’s based on how intense their behavior is. In the beginning, it’s normal to want to hang out all the time. The key difference is if you feel like you have room to breathe in the relationship. If your partner shows up everywhere, it may feel like you’re lacking your own autonomy.
Unhealthy couples have these signs where they do not trust where each other are. You’ll feel suffocated by how frequently you see them. They may want to do activities all the time with each other.
Healthy couples give each other that breathing room and time to do their own activities. They all have different parts of their lives that may not involve their significant other and both sides are okay with that.
2. Isolation
This is when the person starts creating doubt in your head about all the friends and family members you hang out with. Unhealthy couples no longer lead lives except with each other. They lose that freedom and autonomy to hang out with anyone else.
Healthy couples encourage their significant other to lead an independent life with friends and family. When you lead your own life, you bring back your experiences to enrich your own relationship.
3. Extreme Jealousy
Small amounts of jealousy are normal. It lets you both know you still care deeply for each other. The problem is when this jealousy gets worse and the person starts distrusting you and wondering where you are all of the time.
Unhealthy couples question their own relationship when they get jealous which is not productive. They keep those jealous feelings inside and prefer to let the other person “guess” what is wrong. They may be acting “passive aggressive” and does not tackle the problems head-on.
Healthy couples let their partners know that they felt jealous and describe how it made them feel. They do not blame the other person for getting attention and leave the door open to discuss what happened.
The person who got attention should take the opportunity to listen and hear the other person’s concerns. Let each other know you appreciate them and still find them the most attractive.
4. Belittling
People who belittle you use words that seem to tear you down instead of supporting you. Those words mask their personal attack towards you and make you feel worse. They’re small jokes and criticisms that really make you doubt yourself and second guess what you are about to do.
These words may start off small and uncommon, but they can increase in frequency in unhealthy relationships.
One word that pops up all the time is the word sensitive. This is a word that other people use to make you feel guilty about calling the person out on their behavior. There are at least eight different forms of belittling. They are criticism, trivializing, put-downs, condescension, insults, discounting, manipulation, and undermining.
Healthy couples support each other’s growth and help them take the next step. This isn’t to say that they agree with everything their partner does. However, they want the best for their partner and will do whatever they can to make it as easy as possible.
5. Volatility
This is how extreme our relationships can become. You’ll notice the signs when frequent breakups and makeups seem to trace the highs and lows. I describe it as similar to a roller coaster.
“When the high parts of life are there, everything in life seems to be going well. When the low parts hit, the worst in the relationship comes out.”
Unhealthy couples follow the highs and lows of the relationship. When things are great, the relationship is great. However, no relationship can avoid low points.
During the low points, arguments may get really bad and both sides stop listening to one another. Each person prefers to take out their frustrations on the relationship.
Healthy couples understand that both highs and lows exist. They discuss these low points together and figure out a plan to tackle them. When the low points hit, they execute their plan together. Self-care techniques are one way people evade the worst of their low points.
6. Handling disagreements
Disagreements are common and normal in all relationships. It really depends on how each couple tackles how they react to the conflict.
Unhealthy couples continue to argue for what they want. They do not seek to understand what the other side is saying. The attitude is similar to “my way or the highway” where they want to win completely and never give in.
Healthy couples make compromises by meeting halfway with each other. No one gets completely what they want. They listen to what each other has to share and seeks to understand each other’s perspectives.
Look up frequent things couples say on Google.
Wen is a Certified Health and Wellness Coach who helped people change their behaviors. He brings experience from educating people about their physical health, nutrition, sexual health, and substance use. As a coach, he has worked with over one hundred clients in changing their tobacco use and had over five hundred conversations as a crisis counselor.
